small mercies

sailor choked tonight.
she's gagged before, on too-solid food, and my fingers in her mouth, and the like. she has, like most babies, a highly developed gag reflex that causes her to spew forth everything in her stomach at the time.
but tonight, home alone again, i called sunny into the kitchen for dinner and left sailor briefly on the floor of the family room while i dished up his plate. i kept glancing through the pass-through at her, and noticed that she had something i couldn't see in her hand. but she's never been too oral with stuff, and i was busy, so i gave her a minute.
which was just long enough for her to pop whatever it was (a clump of yarn from our rug, it turns out) into her mouth and try to swallow it. by the time i realized something was wrong and rushed in to her, she was pale and gagging violently. i reached into her mouth just as she heaved her entire dinner all over the floor and herself and me - including the offensive clump of yarn.

what if it had been a staple? or a paper clip? i've found those relics from my church work on the floor before.

what if it had been a wheel from one of sunny's cars? a piece of carrot? a lincoln log? (all of which have also been known to turn up in random places).

what if i hadn't been able to fish it out, or she hadn't been able to throw it up?

what made me think: she'll be ok for just a minute?

because honestly, she's just a baby still. she may be growing up in her motor skills and her personality, she may be developing preferences and opinions and funny little babbles, but she needs me to take care of her - and keep her from choking on small things from the ground.

i am always scared that it will be one of my careless things... i am not the world's most careful person. i do things halfway. i take the easy way out. and while i will never drive in the car without my children fastened in, i will watch sailor pick up something from the ground and think: she'll be fine. just one minute.

thank God she WAS fine. (although her little white onesie will never be the same again.) but i am filled with new resolve to watch and guard and be vigilant in my role as knight-protector -
as mommy care-giver - and i pray that when i screw up again (as i can guarantee you i will) that it will again be something small and manageable, and not earth-shattering and awful. because honestly, the difference, in baby, is just one minute. thinking she'll be fine.