lost and found

we got to the rodeo mid-morning on friday. it's spring break week out here, so there were some parents and kids trickling in, but it wasn't too crowded at all. the weather was pleasant (it got hot later on) and we were excited to do something fun as a family.
borden milk set up a "kidland" right inside the front door. this big state-fair-sized building housed a kids' area complete with free ice cream stand, pony rides, big petting zoo, pretend farm, milking demonstration, horse show arena, and all of the livestock show. because it was the last friday of the fair, all of the livestock were gone except for the grand champions, which were still on display in a quiet corner of the barn.
so we spent most of our time in the kids's area. sunny loved the petting zoo (there were even kangaroos, which was amazing, and no chickens, thank God, which he's terrified of). he also spent forever and ever in the play farm, where you got a bucket to collect an apple (velcroed to the wooden trees), a potato (from the dirt), and a styrofoam egg (from beneath a stuffed chicken - sunny was pretty scared until he realized it was stuffed :). he also got to ride a pony and eat ice cream. who could ask for more?
we wandered into the empty livestock area of the huge barn. there were long aisles of deserted stalls and cages, a grandstand with stairs to climb, and various small sheds housing administrative things. i stopped with the stroller to look at the map. when i looked up, sunny and jon (with sailor in his arms) were gone.
so i called on my cell phone.
"we're out front by the big crane," said my husband. i pushed the stroller slowly back through the front entrance. jon met me at a run. "sunny's gone," he shouted, handing sailor off to me and racing back along the rows of empty stalls.
so we lost our two-year-old son at the rodeo.

most people have a story about losing their child. sometimes it's only for a second, when you can't see him and your heart skips a beat. sometimes it's for several minutes, like when my mom let go of my hand in the ocean and a rip tide pulled me under and shot me (unbeknownst to her) a hundred yards down the beach. jon watched sunny walk to the end of an aisle while he talked to me briefly on the phone. he walked to the end of that same aisle, and sunny had disappeared from view.

there is nothing like the feeling in the pit of your stomach when you can't find your child. especially in a crowded, noisy, confusing place like the rodeo, where small children are running everywhere, and the space is huge and maze-like. i immediately thought of all of the worse case scenarios: danger, kidnap. death. i thought of how scared he would be when he couldn't find us. i thought i would throw up.

it took less than five minutes for jon to find sunny. he had wandered back by the pretend farm, and was standing in a small open space, looking around. he wasn't visibly upset (he told us later he had been looking for us - it simply didn't occur to him that we wouldn't have followed him there). jon lectured him firmly. i held him tightly and tried to stop crying. i still felt like throwing up.

you know, i have lectured children countless times about staying together and not getting lost. i have told children what to do if they get separated from me. it just didn't occur to me to do that with my son. he's still so small in my eyes. still my baby boy.

"i sorry, mommy," my son said quietly. "i not do that again." he looked at my face. "tomorrow, i not do that. i sorry."