by which i don't mean returning to where i started.... i just have this picture of turning in a circle inward, to bring my focus back to where it should be. with these two little ones, plus all of my house and my work, life is so full of stuff. small details that have enormous consequences, like, did i actually put the packet of wipes in my purse, or did i just think about it? did i remember to water the christmas tree yesterday, or is it going to die early again this year like it did two years ago when i made jon go out and buy a replacement five days before christmas and all we could find was a charlie brown one 4 feet tall (but at least it wasn't a fire hazard)? my co-teacher, kerry, made a comment today about me forgetting my socks again today (we work in socks b/c we're stepping around the babies so much, and the floor is cold in winter). i said, "do you know how my mind works?" and she laughed and said no. :) so i told her that my mind these days is like a toy box (notice the imagery that came to mind), where everything is jumbled in together, and lots of times i can't find what i want or need. that's also like my purse, come to think of it. :)
so, anyway, back to the title. too many small things and not enough big focus. the small things are necessary, but not to the point where my life is this scattered gathering of busy-ness and details, without time to come back to God and myself for some... peace. (trite, but true). so today i was having kind of a hard afternoon. honestly, my inner voice can be awfully rude sometimes, and today i was thinking what a loser i am for not being able to keep everything together all the time. people do much better than i do with many more children and much busier lives. (they, at least, manage to get their presents mailed on time.)
but my husband (often my voice of reason) calls me back, gently, with reassurances, and i sit and write, and things come full circle....
maybe this is the image i'm thinking of. in a dorothy sayers book her character writes a poem about a spinning top - the spinning, whirling busy-ness of the world, but a core that is stable and at rest. that's what i crave, these days. that's what, sometimes, i can find.
(here's part of it, for those of you who care:
"Here the sun stands and knows not east or west,
Here no tide runs; we have come, last and best,
From the wide zone in dizzying circles hurled
To that still center where the spinning world
Sleeps on its axis, to the heart of rest.")
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